Does a special woman in your life spend far too much time thinking for herself?
You know. Using her brain for original thought?
If so, there's a new consumer electronics product out there that's just perfect for her.
But not really.
"Apparently This Matters" Is Jarrett Bellini's weekly (and somewhat random) look at social-media trends.
It's the ePad Femme -- an 8-inch tablet device designed specifically for women, and already preloaded with special female-friendly apps. As opposed to, say, Angry Birds which, apparently, requires machismo.
Yes, it seems the Dubai-based Eurostar Group figured if there's one thing a woman needs, it's a handheld computer specifically engineered to insult her intelligence.
I sort of picture the dudes on their R&D team having several glances through an old copy of Cosmo at the dentist's office and immediately declaring a full understanding of the female brain.
"Our data suggest they enjoy yoga."
And then they made the ePad Femme.
Perhaps they thought about making one for men, as well. But that was always going to be difficult. Our male minds are just too amazingly complex and superior, for it takes a true stroke of brilliance to successfully belch the entire alphabet.
And that's something we're good at.
Anyway, I guess men and women are just completely different. And maybe that's why they think the ePad Femme makes a perfect gift for your mom. Or your wife. Or your girlfriend. Or your sister. Or, really, any nice lady you'd like to openly disrespect.
What's that you say? Anniversary coming up? No problem.
"Here, babe. Have an ePad Femme. It has recipes."
And that's a big selling point for the manufacturer, who proudly boasts that, unlike all the other touchscreen devices on the market, this thing is the only one designed "exclusively for women." That's why they preloaded it with those gender-specific apps -- so a poor, hopeless young lady doesn't have to think about which ones she actually, you know ... wants.
Because a female would never understand how to search for apps on her own. Plus, it would just divert time away from being a baby factory and personal chef to the real genius in the house.
The one who's in the basement, not wearing pants, working on a statistical analysis for his fantasy baseball draft.
Of course, these ePad Femme preselected apps will do almost everything a woman needs in life, from helping her create a shopping list to tracking weight loss to whatever it is the perfume app does.
"Do I smell pretty, now?"
"Not really. Try rubbing it against your head."
At this very moment, everyone at the Eurostar Group office in Dubai is likely overjoyed by the ePad Femme's sudden emergence on the Web. Though they hope to "explore all markets," right now the device is only sold in the Middle East and parts of Asia. Still, it's trending worldwide.
Because it's completely insane.
It actually first came out in October as a gift idea -- presumably for the guy who doesn't mind sleeping on the couch. Now, for some strange reason, it's making an internet comeback.
Maybe it's the price point. The ePad Femme only costs $200. And it runs on the Android operating system. So, look out Apple. There's a new sexy sheriff in town.
But what about power and memory?
With a 1.5GHz processor and 16GB of memory storage, the manufacturers made the ePad Femme perfectly equipped for even the longest grocery lists.
Guys, your lady could literally spend all day at the market buying food before coming home to cook.
Look, you've worked hard tweeting critical thoughts on your favorite football team. That's exhausting. So, just relax while she enjoys a little Girl Power in the produce aisle.
Plus, what if you decided to have a man-party with your man-friends, and you were planning to watch man-sports and maybe play man-games like "tickle time" and RISK? Clearly, you're going to need a lot of man-supplies.
With the ePad Femme in your house, you can simply shout upstairs to your woman and demand she start a list. Chips. Dip. Klondike Bars. Whatever you need. She won't forget a single item for her king.
And while she does all the shopping -- her very favorite hobby -- you can do far more important things like pass gas and watch fistfights on World Star Hip Hop. On your iPad.
Yes, Eurostar Group literally thought of everything when it comes to the ePad Femme. Sure, they made a few assumptions about what women want, but where they skipped out on any actual science and dignity, they've passed the savings on to you. And you know what else?